Conflict With Friends - How Do You Deal With It?
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Do you ever avoid saying something to someone because you know it will cause conflict? Usually, I will say what’s on my mind when discussing subjects that don’t specifically relate to myself – current events, politics, religion, whatever. And, I don’t really care if what I say may offend or if I know that it will definitely cause an argument.
But, when the issue at hand might involve a conflict with friends or family, I often don’t bring it up. A case in point involves a discussion I had with the people with whom I am co-owner of the house where we live. They know that it is my intention to retire in a couple of years and eventually move to the Dominican Republic. With this in mind, a few weeks ago they made the suggestion of buying me out at this time which would depend on them being able to get a loan by renegotiating the mortgage. This sounded great for me because it would mean I could use some of the money to pay off all my debts and with still working for a couple of years I could save more than double what I would have to pay out at this time.
Two weeks ago I was visiting my friends Eileen and Dave and they asked if I’d heard anything concerning the buyout (it is their son and his girlfriend with whom I own the house). It seems that they had been told that Darren and Chrissy were re-thinking the idea of renegotiating the mortgage. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed – in the fact that I might not be getting the money at this time and also because nobody had bothered to tell me. I told Eileen and Dave that I was going to tell Darren and Chrissy that they would not be able to wait until my retirement but that I wanted out of the house deal by next summer at the latest. This would still allow me some time to pay off my debts and recuperate the money before actually retiring.
Knowing that this might cause some conflict I put off telling them. I keep telling myself that I’m waiting for the right moment to bring up the subject. Yesterday, I took the easy way out and sent them an email. Now, I’m just waiting for the reaction. And that’s what I mean when I say that even though I can say what’s on my mind on almost anything, when it comes to something that might cause conflict with friends, I tend to avoid the issue. How about you?
that’s the way I see it
14 Comments on this post
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Stacey said:
I tend to try to avoid conflicts like that too, but they find me anyway! My mom and sis live together and hate it. They each call me to complain. They finally had a blowout and then each used ME in their arguments with each other. All I did was nod and listen! Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, conflict cannot be avoided. Good luck!
October 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm -
*lynne* said:
Oh, I ~so~ do not like conflicts!! I don't do well in "live" face-to-face conflicts: I freeze, can't think, tongue gets tied. I prefer doing the email route: it allows me to carefully choose my words (composing such an email could sometimes take me days because I'd sleep on it and revise it until I was sure the point was made without personal attacks).
October 9th, 2009 at 1:12 pm -
Patricia said:
It's terrible to get caught in the middle. But isn't it nice for them that they have you as a considerate and tactful friend?
October 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm -
Jen said:
I grew up in a family that for generations had avoided all conflict. Can you imagine all the resentment not to mention confusion? I tend to say what no one else is willing to say. I have learned to be more tactful in the last few years however. If you can't discuss these kinds of things with family and friends, the ones who supposedly love you than who can you discuss them with?
October 9th, 2009 at 9:07 pm -
dihan said:
nice blog …care to link exchange?
October 10th, 2009 at 3:06 am -
vera said:
I used to think that, with friends, one should not hesitate to speak their mind. After all, friends should be able to argue without taking things too personal. Or even when the topic really is very personal, that they will actually thresh it out and still remain friends. But many years ago, I spoke my mind about something and it was taken completely out of context. and it caused a divide in my circle of friends that lasted for two or three years - what would have been the best years of our lives. haha. Until now we don't really talk about it.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:52 am -
NZ Tours said:
You have to speak your mind!
October 11th, 2009 at 8:51 am -
buckrobin said:
There's nothing worse than being caught in the middle when friends or family are having a disagreement. Trying to please everyone you end up pleasing no one!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm -
buckrobin said:
Some may say that "going the email route" is the easy way out and that you should face the person, but I tend to agree that by writing it out you have a better chance of explaining everything you want to say in a better way.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:23 pm -
buckrobin said:
One rule I try to always maintain when in a disagreement is to stick to the facts and not to wage personal attacks. It's too bad our politicians wouldn't try this!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:25 pm -
buckrobin said:
I think one thing that is probably worse than avoiding conflict is to let things that are bothering you build up without dealing with them. This only leads to more resentment in the long run.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:27 pm -
buckrobin said:
I agree that friends should be able to argue without taking things too personal, but unfortunately this isn't always the case. I think we all tend to go on the defensive and think that when something is said that we don't agree with that it's personal when in fact we should realize that not everyone shares the same views on things and there's nothing wrong with disagreeing. People have to learn more how to compromise.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:31 pm -
buckrobin said:
I usually do on matters that don't personally affect me.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:32 pm -
shengy said:
…it's kinda hard to have conflicts…but u can't please everybody..all have separate opinions
October 14th, 2009 at 6:31 am
